Tuesday, 5 November 2013

How to Cope With Rising Energy Costs

Utility bills have been rising sharply in recent months. But don't despair this winter. Here are a few things you can do if your heating bills are going through the roof.

The most straightforward solution is to simply freeze to death. It's surprising how many people who complain about rising energy costs haven't considered this simple step. The beauty of this solution is that it costs nothing and you don't have to do anything: just sit back and relax with the window open and all your energy worries will soon be a thing of the past.

There are literally billions of layabouts in this country with nothing better to do than smoke fags and watch Jeremy Kyle. Why not put them to good use by having them layabout in your loft, thus providing excellent cheap insulation.

In medieval times the peasant classes would keep their livestock indoors during the winter to heat their homes. If you're feeling a bit chilly this winter why not bring back this ancient peasant tradition? Of course, unlike the peasants of yore, most of today's lower classes can't afford livestock, but this needn't be a problem; a low cost alternative is to rent a couple of jobseekers and have them dress up as a pantomime cow.

In case you haven't considered it before, a good way to stop worrying about energy bills is to simply not be poor. It's amazing really that so many poor people haven't thought of this. All you need to do is inherit large amounts of money or land, or become a banker or company CEO. Energy problems solved!

One of the reasons fuel bills are rising so fast is the high price of things that burn, like gas and oil. But there is plenty of available free fuel in the form of people who are too lazy to do anything useful - because they're disabled and things like that - so stop worrying about those fuel bills. Just sit back and throw another scrounger on the fire.

With simple measures such as these you can help keep the cold at bay and stop worrying about rising energy bills.

Friday, 4 October 2013

Do You Love Britain?

Think you love this sceptred Isle?

Find out by answering these questions.

 Who is the greatest Briton of all time?

What was Britain's greatest social triumph?

Over the last century, which of the following has been Britain's most notable war-time foe, whom the decent hard-working people have thankfully defeated?

What caused the global financial crisis?

When the government's coffers are a bit short, where should they look to for more money?

What caused the global financial crisis?

If your boss asks you to clean his boots what is the correct response?

What is the most likely cause of death for someone living in Britain today?

Friday, 26 April 2013

Gordon Brown's Reign of Evil

Now that Gordon Brown's tyrannical regime has been ended, and the apparatus of his socialist police state dismantled, we can at last begin to detail the terrible crimes committed in his name. Although the extraordinary nature of these crimes is shocking and hard to believe, there can be no doubt that they did happen. They include: 

Melting down all the nation's gold to build a 10,000 foot high statue of Stalin, which bestrode the Thames like a monstrous parody of the Collosus of Rhodes, before it collapsed into the waves like all other mad communist schemes.

Breaking into every UK taxpayer's house in the dead of night to steal their valuables, rape their wives and abduct their children into slavery, before burning down the house and claiming the insurance to spend on palaces for unemployed immigrants.

Installing a printing press in every job centre, each one capable of printing an infinite amount of money for unemployment claims. The only qualifying criterion for claiming this money was an absolute assurance that under no circumstances would you look for work or accept a job if offered.

Creating a fleet of luxury yachts to sail the world in search of iliterate immigrants to bring back to the UK, in order to increase the Labour voting base.

Marching every pensioner - no matter how old or sick - into a forced labour camp on the Isle of Man to work for the next 400 years on a shrine to Kim Jong Ill.

Using up the entire world supply of plasma on all the plasma TVs given out to unemployed scroungers. It is rumoured that in his last year of office, with the Chinese plasma mines fast running dry, Gordon Brown planned a mission to the sun - at a cost of 10,000 times the entire world economy - in order to mine the plasma there.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Exciting Job Opportunities with Parrot Enterprises


These exciting opportunities have come about as a result of the Government's deregulation of the labour market and commitment to opt out of the ECHR.

To become more environmentally friendly Parrot's BTL Enterprises is moving towards an innovative water-less plumbing system in all its properties.

To meet this exciting challenge we require a number of Lavatory Emulation Technicians. Funded under our TOI (Training On Interest) system, successful candidates will gain outstanding experience in lavatory emulation.

Person Specification
- must be a hard-working striver who is willing to muck in and get dirty
- a people person who is willing to get behind others
 - excellent oral hygiene
- must be keen, willing to start at the bottom and work up
- able to take in and assimilate large amounts of relevant material in both solid and liquid formats

By the end of the training the successful candidates will be literally bursting with valuable experience and overflowing with skills for the modern workplace.

This training is also available on workfare

About TOI (Training on Interest)
Candidates will have all training fees paid up-front by Parrot Enterprises and once they have become qualified will pay them back with interest, which will be charged at an exceedingly reasonable 100% of earnings.

Applications in writing to thomasparrot@hotmail.co.uk

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

The Stasi worshippers at CIF are pre-moderating my comments!

I have just received the following message from the staff at the Guardian's Comment Is Free:

Comrade, it has come to our attention that your posting on our comment pages does not meet our expectations. In particular, it has been noted that you have not met your quota for the following keywords:

towel folder
posh boys

You will understand that these keywords must be used as often as possible to get our great message across. What is more disturbing is that you have also made disparaging remarks about our glorious former leader, Gordon Brown. This is very disappointing.

You must consider carefully the implications of your behaviour comrade. It will be remembered when the great reckoning comes.

We have put your comments on to pre-moderation until your conduct improves. They will not be published until another comrade has checked that they are in the spirit of our great mission. This is purely for your own good comrade, to guide your behaviour in the correct direction.

We trust that you will come to your senses.
Viva la revolution!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

My Manifesto to Make Britain Great Again

That paragon of integrity Liam Fox has called for an end to socialism in the UK. He is right to call a halt to David Cameron's dismal communist reign, culminating as it has in the search for Liberace's lost g-string and yet more palaces for the unemployed. However I feel his proposals don't go far enough. It goes without saying of course, that we should leave the EU and outlaw homosexuality, but here are some other essential measures to make Britain great again.
  • Stop all taxes immediately.
  • Cease all benefits, with the exception of vital payments to wealthy landowners.
  • Remove the right to vote for anyone with personal wealth of less than £1 million.
  • Stimulate growth with a vast infrastructure programme to physically move the entire United Kingdom to the other side of the Atlantic (although we could probably save a few pennies by leaving scotchland behind).
  • Immediately expel anyone with a foreign sounding name and anyone who looks or sounds vaguely foreign just to be sure (particularly those with a second name beginning in Mc or Mac).
  • Create a military alliance with the US, Russia, Germany and China to invade France and remove their despotic communist leader, who is a grave menace to western civilisation.
  • Privatise all land, sea, air and time to ensure efficient use of these resources. Ownership should of course naturally default to those who can show their suitability for managing such resources, i.e. the extremely rich, who by virtue of accumulating great wealth have already proved their proficiency.
  • Make all unemployed people work all waking hours for the privilege of using the resources of land, sea, air and time. This is purely in the interests of fairness: after all, why should the unemployed get to use these resources for nothing when hard-working families will have to pay for them?
  • Prohibit anyone owning less than £1 million of property from walking upright, thus ensuring a posture fitting their place in the overall social hierarchy and suitable for their masters to take pleasure when the fancy takes.
  • Invade Scotchland and take all the oil then kick them out of the UK while keeping control of all the estates for wealthy landowners to visit once every few years. The scotch can keep the sheep and whiskey to soften the trauma of being scotch.
  • Hang Gordon Brown by the neck from the white cliffs of Dover as an example to anyone entering the country of the evils of socialism.
  • Ban cycling outright and kill anyone who has ever possessed a bicycle. This may seem harsh but we must stop socialism at its roots. That's how it started in communist Russia after all.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Who is the Most Terrible Villain of All Time? Poll

Have your say. Who do you think is the most terrible villain of all time?
Adolf Hitler
Joseph Stalin
Attila The Hun
Pol Pot
Gordon Brown

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Harder, faster, longer for less!

Leftwing economists are telling George Osborne to spend more on plasma tvs for unemployed scroungers.

There are billions of Chinese working flat out for a grain of rice a day, and lefties want to give our unemployed yet more plasma tvs so they can sit around watching Jeremy Kyle?

There is no money left. Gordon Brown spent it on palaces for public sector workers and a shrine to Kim Jong Ill.

Now the coalition is sorting out the mess labour left us.

Workers not shirkers. Strivers not skivers. Harder, faster, longer, for less!