What's on Middle England's Mind?

Leaving Today

At Least It's Work!

Company Car

The Perfect Profile

Going Up?

Taking Back Control - Brexit Before and After

Austerity? What Austerity?

How Can We Have Food Banks When Buckingham Palace Needs Renovating?

The radical Britain-hating left are predictably getting worked up about the cost (a trifling £370 million) of renovating Buckingham Palace.

Some are even asking the treasonous question of how we can afford the cost (extraordinary value really) when food banks exist in Britain.

Firstly, it is of course a lie that food banks exist at all. But even if they did, a more pertinent question is how can we afford food banks for layabouts when our poor, impoverished royals live in a palace lacking the luxury and modernity their untiring devotion to Britain deserves.  800 rooms don't heat themselves after all and it's absolutely essential that our majesty has access to the latest servant-summoning technology rather than rely on ringing bells and pressing buzzers.

So what should we do about food banks? Of course there is no evidence that any exist at all, but just on the off-chance they do I suggest that everyone using one be forced to give a voluntary donation to a fund for impoverished royals. That ought to redress the balance between the deserving haves and undeserving have-nots!

Make Failure to Wear a Poppy a Treasonable Offence

Millions of soldiers gave up their lives to protect our freedoms. The least we can do is ensure everyone pays their respect by wearing a poppy.

The only people likely to object to such a law are those who hate Britain and its freedoms anyway. People like Jeremy Corbyn, Nicola Sturgeon and judges who vote against the people.

Show your support for our heroic fighting men. Be vigilant and report any non-poppy-wearers!

Arrest These Traitors

Where Is My Brexit?

Carlisle's Children Salute Our Glorious Majesty

Passing through Carlise train station the other day my eyes fell upon these delightful tributes to our glorious royal majesty, created by various nurseries and primary schools around the region. These spontaneous outpourings of reverence will warm the heart of any decent hardworking person.

Thank God I don’t live in some communist dictatorship where children are brainwashed from an early age into worshiping their glorious unelected leader!

Happy birthday ma'am! Long may your inspiring reign continue!

The Worse Things Get the More They Must Stay the Same

Here's a little something from my Scotch cousin McParrot ...

Good Doggie!

Opening in the Company

Terrorist Loving Pacifist

How to Deal With Scroungers the Middle England Way

My Annual Appraisal

How to Cope With Rising Energy Costs

Utility bills have been rising sharply in recent months. But don't despair this winter. Here are a few things you can do if your heating bills are going through the roof.

1) FREEZE TO DEATH
The most straightforward solution is to simply freeze to death. It's surprising how many people who complain about rising energy costs haven't considered this simple step. The beauty of this solution is that it costs nothing and you don't have to do anything: just sit back and relax with the window open and all your energy worries will soon be a thing of the past.

2) INSULATE YOUR LOFT WITH LAYABOUTS
There are literally billions of layabouts in this country with nothing better to do than smoke fags and watch Jeremy Kyle. Why not put them to good use by having them layabout in your loft, thus providing excellent cheap insulation.

3) KEEP A COW IN YOUR LIVING ROOM
In medieval times the peasant classes would keep their livestock indoors during the winter to heat their homes. If you're feeling a bit chilly this winter why not bring back this ancient peasant tradition? Of course, unlike the peasants of yore, most of today's lower classes can't afford livestock, but this needn't be a problem; a low cost alternative is to rent a couple of jobseekers and have them dress up as a pantomime cow.

4) BECOME RICH
In case you haven't considered it before, a good way to stop worrying about energy bills is to simply not be poor. It's amazing really that so many poor people haven't thought of this. All you need to do is inherit large amounts of money or land, or become a banker or company CEO. Energy problems solved!

5) SET FIRE TO SCROUNGERS
One of the reasons fuel bills are rising so fast is the high price of things that burn, like gas and oil. But there is plenty of available free fuel in the form of people who are too lazy to do anything useful - because they're disabled and things like that - so stop worrying about those fuel bills. Just sit back and throw another scrounger on the fire.

With simple measures such as these you can help keep the cold at bay and stop worrying about rising energy bills.