Wednesday, 20 March 2013

The Stasi worshippers at CIF are pre-moderating my comments!

I have just received the following message from the staff at the Guardian's Comment Is Free:

Comrade, it has come to our attention that your posting on our comment pages does not meet our expectations. In particular, it has been noted that you have not met your quota for the following keywords:

towel folder
posh boys

You will understand that these keywords must be used as often as possible to get our great message across. What is more disturbing is that you have also made disparaging remarks about our glorious former leader, Gordon Brown. This is very disappointing.

You must consider carefully the implications of your behaviour comrade. It will be remembered when the great reckoning comes.

We have put your comments on to pre-moderation until your conduct improves. They will not be published until another comrade has checked that they are in the spirit of our great mission. This is purely for your own good comrade, to guide your behaviour in the correct direction.

We trust that you will come to your senses.
Viva la revolution!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

My Manifesto to Make Britain Great Again

That paragon of integrity Liam Fox has called for an end to socialism in the UK. He is right to call a halt to David Cameron's dismal communist reign, culminating as it has in the search for Liberace's lost g-string and yet more palaces for the unemployed. However I feel his proposals don't go far enough. It goes without saying of course, that we should leave the EU and outlaw homosexuality, but here are some other essential measures to make Britain great again.
  • Stop all taxes immediately.
  • Cease all benefits, with the exception of vital payments to wealthy landowners.
  • Remove the right to vote for anyone with personal wealth of less than £1 million.
  • Stimulate growth with a vast infrastructure programme to physically move the entire United Kingdom to the other side of the Atlantic (although we could probably save a few pennies by leaving scotchland behind).
  • Immediately expel anyone with a foreign sounding name and anyone who looks or sounds vaguely foreign just to be sure (particularly those with a second name beginning in Mc or Mac).
  • Create a military alliance with the US, Russia, Germany and China to invade France and remove their despotic communist leader, who is a grave menace to western civilisation.
  • Privatise all land, sea, air and time to ensure efficient use of these resources. Ownership should of course naturally default to those who can show their suitability for managing such resources, i.e. the extremely rich, who by virtue of accumulating great wealth have already proved their proficiency.
  • Make all unemployed people work all waking hours for the privilege of using the resources of land, sea, air and time. This is purely in the interests of fairness: after all, why should the unemployed get to use these resources for nothing when hard-working families will have to pay for them?
  • Prohibit anyone owning less than £1 million of property from walking upright, thus ensuring a posture fitting their place in the overall social hierarchy and suitable for their masters to take pleasure when the fancy takes.
  • Invade Scotchland and take all the oil then kick them out of the UK while keeping control of all the estates for wealthy landowners to visit once every few years. The scotch can keep the sheep and whiskey to soften the trauma of being scotch.
  • Hang Gordon Brown by the neck from the white cliffs of Dover as an example to anyone entering the country of the evils of socialism.
  • Ban cycling outright and kill anyone who has ever possessed a bicycle. This may seem harsh but we must stop socialism at its roots. That's how it started in communist Russia after all.